Back to Work

I had a strong desire to start back at work the day I left the hospital back in early January. I guess it was because I felt lost and needed to prove to myself that I was going to survive. During the darkest moments of my grief I felt the only way to get over this, was to go back to normal. I soon realised that there was no going back, normal does not mean the same as it used to! I kept asking myself "who am I now that I have a huge hole in my life?"

It became very clear to me that if I was going to survive I needed to stop, I needed to be still, I needed to cry. Going back to work had to be put on hold whilst I immersed myself in my grief. It really help to hold myself in the moment for a while, it was hard but I needed to do it to begin to heal. I needed it to fine me again.

I have given myself time to begin the healing process, to think, to cry, to laugh {it feels good to laugh} I've have given myself time to get used to this 'new normal' and I have also discovered, with much relief, that the the old me is still there, deep within my core is the person I always was, yet I feel stronger and in a way I feel more passionate about the life I have been blessed with, perhaps that doesn't make sense, but right now I am happy and that happiness takes me right back to the moment I became a mother. I am comfortable with this new me and I am ready to head back to work, I'm actually really excited! I imagine my first day back (tomorrow) will be really emotional, it's a big step to take but I'm ready. 

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